He has made everything beautiful in His time. He has placed eternity in the hearts of men yet they can not fathom what God will do from beginning to end. - Ecc. 3:11

Monday, February 18, 2013

Is this real life?

So I decided to start writing a blog again. What I failed to realize is that I started this blog three years ago. What? I chuckled as I saw the title of my page. It is fair to say I am not the most technological person when it comes to creating templates or adding pictures to a Facebook page. However, I thought I was somewhat bright enough to try and change the title of this page due to the fact that the wedding was 2 years ago and I failed to lose 40lbs. But I did look cute at the ceremony. At least I thought so. Regardless of how cute i looked, I can not figure out how to change it... So the title remains. So much has happened in the last three years. I am feeling a little emotional today so I will not journey down that road just yet. So for the first blog entry in three years we (I am not sure who else I am referring to but that doesn't matter)will keep it short. Writing is my outlet. I analyze way too much when I don't express myself verbally or on paper. So is the season I find myself in a the present moment. And somewhere out there I have to believe that I am not the only person asking the question...."is this real life?" That question does not always mean that we....I...am in a place of complacency or frustration. For me, it means that the situation and/or circumstances before me are so completely different than what I thought or imagined that I have to ask the question, "Is this real life?" So my blog will be about those situations I face and how The Lord meets me there to remind me that not only is He Sovereign...but He is more than able to usher me into His presence and let me cry, laugh, vent, ask.. And then He will respond. A response that usually fills my very heart with such sweet love. I pray this go around I am a little more disciplined in updating this blog. It is good for me and I pray that it is encouraging to any who may read.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Road Block

So I hit a road block. The doctors found a mass on my mother's stomach. When I heard that news on Friday my entire life changed. One conversation...one comment...one word...Cancer changed everything. At this point we are not sure if it is cancer. A biopsy is scheduled for June 9th. We are hoping that we can have that procedure pushed forward. To say my emotional state is a little unbalanced right now is quite the understatement. But instead of this situation driving me to my comfort of food...I am without an appetite. Just when I was feeling pretty good about excercising and getting my eating habits somewhat under control...this happens. So now I have to force myself to eat and will have to force myself to continue to work out. That is what my parents told me. We will get through this. My mother is strong and a fighter. AND...God is God. So we trust in Him for His perfect plan and Sovereignty. We believe Him for big things. Healing. Miracles. Wisdom for the doctors. And above all, that through this situation He receives all glory. He is the God of all comfort. More than a doughnut, Reece's cup, White Castles, or a Quarter pounder with cheese hold the onions. He is holding our family right now. So I will try my best to hold on to Him. So for now....Operation Bridesmaid Dress is still on. Somewhat. But I have lost 3lbs. :) Praise Him for my mother. Praise Him for Who He is.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Uggh...

That is about as creative as I can get for the title. It has been a difficult week. Being an emotional eating, whenever one has an emotional week...or lives an emotional life...sometimes you fall down and you have to get back up again. This week I feel down. The one thing I feel I have control over in my life is food. I can decide what I want to eat, when I want to eat, and how much I want to eat. Instead of considering the long term consequences of those decisions, I focus only on that fact that I am in "control." (sounds like Janet Jackson's song) In fact I believe I am numb to whether or not what I am eating actually taste good. All of this made more sense on Tuesday. In a situation where I felt I was taken advantage of and my time was disregarded, I felt I was without control. So I started thinking about what I was going to eat. My "free" day of eating is not Tuesday, but Thursday. I became anxious and frustrated because a battle started taking place in my mind. I was trying to justify why I should be able to eat what I wanted. I wanted control. On the other hand, I was thinking about my goal of losing weight and how good I feel physically when I eat properly. In the end...I did not drive through a fast food drive-thru...but I did eat 4 recees cups. And today I had a doughnut and six oreos. This Operation Bridesmaid Diet is going is a lot harder than I ever expected. Exercising is easy. I love to be active and work out. Changing my eating habits is difficult. As I was riding a bike today I thought again....this is for the Glory of God. I want to honor the Lord with not only my body but my eating habits. I made some bad decisions today. Tomorrow is another day and His mercies are new every morning. This will not be easy but I am determined.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Anticipation

Well today was "treat day." The one day of the week I can splure a little from my diet. LL Cool J was on The View the other day and suggested taking one day a week to treat yourself. He said this will prevent one from craving something to the point that you neglect your diet altogether. So having started this diet on Monday I was eagerly anticipating this day. That is the kind of person I am. I love anticipating things. When I was three years old the night before my 4th birthday I wanted to stay up all night. The table was decorated with Ragaddy Ann plates and cups...even a cute Ragaddy Ann cake. I sat at that table and informed my parents that I was going to stay there all night and wait for my kids to come to my party. My favorite day during the holidays is Dec. 23rd. That day meaant that the next day would be Dec. 24 and that was the day that we went over to my grandmother's house which meant the day after that would be Christmas. But on Christmas day...the excitment is gone. I LOVE the intrigue that comes with anticipation. But when the event actually takes place...I am often left disappointed. So I anticipated today eating one of my favorite foods. Feeling good that I had made it three days( which is a milestone for someone that is dealing with a stronghold) without giving into the temptation that the Golden Arches represents, I found myself just eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch with a small fry from chick-fil-la and a cookie from the Cookie company. And it did not even taste good. And today I thought...will I anticipate freedom from a food addiction only to be disappointed when I no longer live to eat but eat to live? Surely not. There is joy in freedom. There is life in freedom. One can not live a life full of abudance and be disappointed. Will some things in life bring disappoint. Yes. But I will press onto anitciapte feeling healthy and beautiful in my skin...and I will enjoy it when it happens.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Operation Bridesmaid Diet

Well....one of my dearest friends is getting married Dec. 31st. I have the distinct honor of being in the wedding party. On one hand I am sooooooooooooooooo super stoked and excited to share in this day with them. On the other hand I am terrified that I will be the "chunky" bridesmaid once again. I have been a Maid of Honor 3 times, a bridesmaid twice, read in one wedding, and took pictures of guest for another wedding. With all of those experiences I have been overweight and uncomfortable in not only the dress, but my own skin. I am tired of that feeling. It is easy for those on the outside to say...well then just change. Take control. I laugh even now at how easy that sounds but acknowledge just how hard it is to do. My "relationship" with food began in the 5th grade. I know this because that is when everything in my young life seemed to change. In addition to the awkwardness of puberty, I was on the cheerleading squad which brought a lot of drama. I was in advanced classes but my grades started to slip. Things at home were too much for a young girl to handle alone. Though I found comfort in keeping a diary....my other source of false peace came from food. When things were going well food was a reward. When I felt I had zero control over things and needed to feel good....I turned to food. Now 24 years later I am so bound by this relationship that I feel I have no where to turn. Confident only in the fact and truth that the Lord is my strength and that my weight and habits do not honor Him...I desire a change. There are too many things I want to do. I want to climb rocks, run marathons, ride comfortably in a rollar coaster. And those are just the adventurous things I want to do. I want to know what it is like to walk into a store and know that I can easily find a size. I want to wear cap sleeved blouses. I want to be in a pool without a cover up. I want to know that if I am trapped in an elevator that I can be pulled through the small opening in the top. (I watch way too many movies.) So....operation Bridesmaid diet kicks into effect today. I have 193 days to lose 40lbs. Will this be easy. NOOOOO!!!! But...I have to make this decision. This is my plan....no fast food. Because I have heard that you must allow yourself at least one day of ...whatever....I am declaring Thursdays as my day to treat myself. I will exercise at least 30min a day and then watch it increase over time. Not only am I not going to go without fast food, I must say farewell to two of my closest friends...dough and nut. Parting will be such sweet (no pun intended) sorrow. We shall say adieu until Thursdays. (Not promised but allowed.) So....I shall post at least three days a week to track progress. 193 days. Wow. To say that I would covet your prayers is more than an understatement.